The Day the Outlaws Came

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Know Your Utah Mormon

Light The Fire Within

Screw the Luddites

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Wild Card

Olympic Scandal to Stink Even More

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Lacee Toon



by andrew haley

Among the first victims of increased Olympic security was Frodig Merrit, a young reporter for the Picayune Express who was detained last month for “immigration violations,” and has since been relocated to Camp X-ray at Guantanamo Bay.

Cricket Merrit, the victim’s father, told Wild Utah that his son had uncovered a memo sent by SLOC that revealed the origin of the Salt Lake Olympic motto, “Light the Fire Within.” According to the memo, an executive member of the SLOC staff became incensed at reading a Wild Utah article relating to the tragic story of Raggot, a gerbil who was accidently fired out of an anonymous asshole when a pocket of intestinal methane exploded.

Wild Utah was unable, at the time, to determine the identity of the persons involved, but a member of the SLOC staff, who the memo identified as the “firee” of the gerbil, feared the IOC had leaked pertinent information about this member’s sex life in order to stir up confusion as a smoke screen to shield unethical, financial transactions involving the Beijing Olympic bid. According to Mr. Merrit, this SLOC executive had feared for months that his home was bugged, and worried further that the source of “Light the Fire Within” might surface in the press. The SLC Olympic motto “Swifter, Higher, Stronger” is apparently a favorite game of the SLOC staff, played after business hours and involving plexi-glass tubes, matches, and rodents fired against a canvas curtain at high velocities.