Olympic Scandal to Stink Even More
by al fonzarelli
Should a promising prodigy’s Olympic achievement be enshrined in the porcelain potty of fame? Or should Goliath punt this poop-like production into the courts of blame?
As Salt Lake residents Stan and Lisa Kirkhhof learned today, a parent’s pride can be a precipitous path.
The Kirkhhof’s were named as defendants today in a $2,000,000 lawsuit filed by the Salt Lake Olympic Organizing Committee (SLOC).
SLOC alleges in the complaint that the Kirkhhof’s violated federal and state trademark laws when the otherwise proud parents published photographs on the internet of their two-year-old son Tommy’s first successful potty training.
SLOC has a well-earned reputation as a heavy-handed litigator as they recently sued over 1,800 web sites for “cyber-squatting” on domain names that used every imaginable derivation and permutation of “Olympic, Olympia, Oligarch, Olympia Dukakis, Molympic, Mormon Olympics, 2002 Games, Salt Lake Games, Mutt Romney.”
Legal analysts for The Deseret Tribune have examined SLOC’s numerous trademark infringement lawsuits and found them to be penurious and punitive as they liken SLOC to a bully that viciously attacks real and imagined but weaker foes.
How could the Kirkhhof’s otherwise precocious two-year-old possibly violate SLOC’s trademark rights?
An exhibit attached to SLOC’s lawsuit shows the photographic fecal remains of two-year-old Tommy’s first successful bowel movement on the potty.
The dispersion of poop in the toilet bowl appears to lack continuity in form rendering an image of what appears to be three interlocking rings and the silhouette of a skier.
SLOC alleges the Kirkhhof’s photograph bears an unmistakable resemblance to the trademarked interlocking Olympic rings and the silhouette of the skier is irrefutable proof of the Kirkhhof’s intent to make improper and unauthorized use of SLOC’s trademarks. The lawsuit also seeks to enjoin Tommy from future bowel movements that may infringe upon other Olympic trademarks.
SLOC President Mitt Romney stated, “The value and integrity of Olympic marks and terminology becomes diluted when they are used by individuals or entities that have not obtained proper authorization. This lawsuit will help protect our corporate partners, the consumer public, and the athletes who are training to compete in the Olympic Games.”
The Kirkhhof’s angrily deny the allegations. Stan Kirkhhof stated, “First, my son Tommy is a genius and I want to congratulate him on his Herculean accomplishment. While other kids his age are content to pass a stool aimlessly into the toilet for a pat on the head, my son negotiated with the wife and I for an hour before agreeing to toilet train whereupon he produced the most magnificent, creative dump ever taken in history. Any father would be proud. Naturally I wanted to share this photo with all our friends and family.”
Kirkhhof went on, “Next, I want to admonish SLOC for their brutish insensitivity. What kind of message are we sending children when we reward their accomplishments with punishment? Against my better judgment we flushed Tommy’s masterpiece down the toilet. Speaking of interlocking rings and circles, I really expect this thing to go full circle. Tommy is an incredible child and he has promised to produce the ‘accidentally shredded documents’ linked to the Olympic scandal in his very next crap. Let’s see who takes a dump on who next.”