by andrew haley
Welcome visitors to Salt Lake City. As you have noticed, state of the art security details have provided you with a safe venue for enjoying these Visa-sponsored Olympic Winter Games. Though it is still possible to drive an unmarked, white van full of explosives into the downtown area, though the man eating a cheese burger next to you in the food court could have five pounds of plastic explosives wrapped in roofing nails strapped to his chest, though ten-thousand college freshmen are wandering downtown with M16s, though the world’s largest supply of nerve gas is housed ten miles downwind from downtown, and though the food in most area restaurants is liable to bore you to death at the very least, be assured that the federal government has its eye on every financial transaction, email, phone call, and web visit any slinking God-hating, shit-fisted Arab might make.
Be assured, if Mohammed Joe Camel or Abdulalassie Mombassa so much as stumbles onto www.pornuverse.com we’ll be on him. If he dares bring full-strength beer over the state line he’ll be found. Care of the federal government, our Black Hawk helicopter patrols are equipped with thermal sensors so that any sixteen-year-old Muslim fanatics trying to twist our American ideals into devil worship with cannabis will be stopped. If some slimy Al-Queda accountant thinks he can cheat on his taxes, lie on a W-2, or forge his wife’s signature, he’ll soon learn that the eyes and ears of the federal government don’t stop at anyone’s doorstep. If by chance a ragtag group of terrorists thinks they can pose as Latino-Americans, or Mexican-Americans, or whatever it is we call wetbacks these days, they’ll be sorry. An M16 round has enough velocity to pass safely through the side panel of an El Dorado, through a human abdomen, through a car seat, through a pane of safety glass and onward, spinning into tiny, uranium-tipped fragments that will stop those allawakbak-saying sacks of shit in their tracks.
Be assured, no one will touch our athletes, their coaches, trainers, masseuses, roadies, call girls, attorneys, water boys, or drivers. They will be safely concealed behind the fancy blue plastic fence. Any passenger jet entering the area that makes any erratic shifts, drops altitude, avoids turbulence, banks sharply, over corrects, experiences technical difficulty or loses radio contact with ground control will be targeted by NORAD and destroyed by F-16s launched from Hill Air Force Base. Be assured, we will not let the lives of a few dozen passengers interfere with the security of the Belgian curling team. As the Salt Lake Olympic slogan states, our motto is the three Cs: competition, credit cards, and courage.
These Olympic games will show the few infidel communist rag heads lurking in the shadows of Indonesia, Pakistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Palestine, Bosnia, Albania, India, Kenya, Egypt, Russia, Germany, Italy, France, England, The Philippians, Morocco, Algeria, Libya, Tunisia, Malaysia, Singapore, China, Uruguay, Bolivia, Brazil, Argentina, Colombia, Ecuador, and Peru that the world stands united against terror. A few God-hating camel jockeys with American Express accounts won’t deter us from using our Visa cards. The Salt Lake Olympic Games will light the fire within, and will illuminate the path of righteousness that leads through the wilderness of evil. The Salt Lake Olympic games will show those twisted individuals who still live in nostalgia for the middle ages that multiple wives, abstention from alcohol, regular attendance at religious gatherings, daily prayer, and other attempts to resist secular materialism in the name of a more meaningful spiritual existence are sick, medieval behaviors that have no place in Zion, America, or any where Visa cards are accepted.
Have no fear, every federal, state, county and city government agency stands armed and ready to protect everything you hold sacred. So enjoy your stay here in Salt Lake City. Visit our many bars and restaurants that are open to the public, and know that armed government officials are scattered anonymously among you, waiting to protect you from anyone who forgot his lanyard and may be about to detonate a highly explosive device at the next table. Watch the athletes pass safely by in armed caravans from the crowded public street knowing that no matter what, the Austrian ski team will always kick ass.