Oprah is the Devil!
by dustin sturges
This one is for all of the men who know exactly what I’m talking about. Any man who has had a relationship with anyone who has access to Daytime television has had this happen. You leave for work in the morning on a good note: kiss as you walk out the door, all that good stuff. Later in the day you call her to go to lunch or something. The two of you have a great lunch and you go back to work. You come home after work, all of your shit is on the front lawn and she’s standing on the roof of the garage with a shotgun, screaming your name. What happened? What changed in the three hours since you last saw her?
I will tell you- Oprah happened. Oh sure- she seems nice, pleasant and caring, but Oprah is the feminazi equivalent to Hitler. She is charismatic, evil, and very dangerous. Yes, that’s right she is the root of all evil, and Dr. Phil is her lackey. He looks like he’s male, but he has a big fat man-gina and a scorching contempt for every male on the planet.
A friend of mine came home the other day and was told that not liking his girlfriend’s cat showed a lack of respect for her. It’s a cat! He’s not a cat person! He told me that maybe if the damn thing didn’t sit and yowl at him to feed it every morning before he had coffee they would be friends, but it’s not like he put it into a pillow case and beat it against the wall. This is insane! He asked where she got that crap and she said Dr. Phil. He’s on Oprah so he must know exactly what my friend is thinking, especially since she is the devil and can see into the minds of men.
Oprah has been ruining relationships for years, hiding behind the personal tragedy of her giant ass. Yeah, she lost the weight, but she is not a hero for it. She is a vindictive, bitter old bitch who wants to get back at all of the men who laughed or screamed and ran when she took off her clothes at the end of the date.
The only solution to this problem is to watch Oprah while you’re at work. Really listen and have a defense ready when you get home. When the topic of the interview is “Shitty husbands and the women who put up with them,” come home and bring it up first. Say “I was watching Oprah today and I am so glad that you are so much stronger than those pathetic chicks.” Or when the subject is “Your Man is such an idiot!” Take notes on why the poor guy is an asshole, and fix every infraction that you’re guilty of before you get home (don’t mention that you watched the show). When she holds on to the subject matter from “all men suck and they all need to die,” the best way to argue that is with a baseball bat. However, if she latches on to “you are better off with a big fat dyke like Oprah,” you are pretty much out of luck.
This is my contribution to better living for everyone this week. If other men want to do their part, send your contributions to email@example.com. We would really like to hear how Oprah ruined your life, or how Dr. Phil cornered you in a bus station men’s room and forced you to help him reenact his childhood. Anyone wanting to spring to Ms. Winfrey’s defense, let me give you the inevitable reply in advance so as not to waste your time or mine and tell you to suck the mighty penis of love and wisdom.