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Good One Liners

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Drink ‘till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding

Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I see your IQ test results were negative.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs...Boy do I love Congress!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Three men are walking down the street. Two men walk into a bar, the third man ducks.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress

Gynecologist - a man who works and operates in another man’s field

Gynecologist - at your cervix, madam.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol


The Jewish Samauri

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor. The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his Samurai sword and — swish! — the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! “What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.” The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his Samurai sword and — swish, swish! — the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered! “That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?” The Jewish Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his Samurai sword and — swoooooosh! – flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead!” “Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. Circumcision: now, that takes skill.”