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Olympic Alternative

by christopher dubs

Like most Americans, I woke up Tuesday morning to learn that the United States had been attacked by terrorists and that our collective innocence had been forever shattered. My immediate reaction was one of disbelief, followed by deep sorrow before eventually succumbing to bitter anger.

And now in the wake of a national tragedy, impending world war, and severe economic depression, I can’t help but think of the grim implications this will inflict in our own backyard. Specifically, what will happen if and when the hallowed Olympic Games are called off? Surely SLOC, in its infinite greed and manipulation, will lobby to let the games continue on as scheduled, but I can’t imagine a more EXPLOSIVE target for additional fanatical Allah-loving kamikazes to express their hatred for Uncle Sam than at the Winter Olympiad.

A possible quick remedy, however, might be to invent some new Olympic competitions in which these terrorists might excel and be given the opportunity to bring home a different kind of glory with Olympic Gold. Events such as, high-jacking, or rock throwing, or the ever popular, human bomb in a crowded restaurant might appeal to their barbaric sense of sportsmanship.

Unfortunately, with a worldwide audience estimated at one billion viewers, there couldn’t be a better forum and global platform for these cowardly extremists to kill and maim more innocent people than right here along the good ol’ Wasatch Front come February. Picture if you will a jumbo jet, loaded with fuel, crashing into Rice-Eccles Stadium during Opening Ceremonies and the horrific and somber image that readily comes to mind.

Having already considered leaving the city anyway during February to avoid the hassle and congestion, now I wouldn’t even fathom sticking around for this disaster waiting to happen. So if the possible cancellation of the Games DOES in fact become a reality, just what will this mean economically for our fair city? One can only shudder at the thought of millions in lost revenue that was expected to pump up the local economy and boost the city’s morale as a model host. Hmm. Nice thought while it lasted. Perhaps it’s all just bad karma coming back to bite SLOC on the ass, providing a stark reminder to us all to be careful for what we wish for.

On a slightly positive note (if possible), at least we’d be spared such idiotic events like curling, biathlon (guns don’t belong in the Olympics—duh), or team short track speed skating—whatever the hell that is. In fact, I’d venture to say most people don’t give a rat’s ass about the majority of these silly winter follies that appear once every four years—and for good reason. Does the U.S. really want to stomach another Winter Games where we get our asses kicked by micro-countries like Liechtenstein?

For the purpose of this writer’s diatribe, however, I’d merely like to suggest an alternative spectacle to help salvage the impending bummer of a Non Winter Games and what we can do with all the Olympic facilities that would soon become as barren as Tom Green’s bed. So let’s start with the Olympic Park—home of the bobsled, ski jumping and nordic combined ( huh?).

For starters, I say let homeless thrill seekers push themselves in shopping carts down the new state-of-the-art bob course, giving new meaning to the exhilarating rush of doing three G’s.

Then there’s the impressive 120- meter ski ramp that could be used as an extra long bowling alley, using regulation snowballs to knock down all those stuffed mascot dolls that had no chance of being sold even if the games weren’t cancelled—ditto for all those moronic, overpriced bricks now collecting dust in the SLOC basement.

Although most of the venues slated for use during the Games had already been built years ago and are still used for various non-Olympic activities, certain marquee events would have undoubtedly added a glamorous sparkle to these otherwise drab sites. Solution?

Hmmm…I dunno…seeing how most sports fans are drunk, horny males, whaddabout topless figure skating! Surely fans would marvel at the graceful ice ballet performed by local, exotic dancers competing in the buff for more than just a handful of crumbled, beer-stained dollar bills. The only question is how to handle the ongoing, heated debate over the use of pasties (a difficult problem for sure, and one that is best left to the powers at be).

Hey, Mitt, wake up!

Another event I’d like to see is that classic Nordic standard: drunk skiing—an enormously popular activity that originates back to the time of…well, whenever skiing was invented…and a competition that finally rewards those highly skilled individuals who can drink like a Bavarian monk while managing to stay on the course without puking.

So forget about Picabo, or Alberto or those wacky, suicidal Jamaican bobsledders—‘cause, frankly we don’t need ‘em. No, dear friends, let us rejoice in a rather different kind of Games, free of vulgar, corporate commercialization or inflated egos, and most importantly devoid of any possible threat of terrorist attacks. It’s time we accept our fate and shrug off the disappointment and temporary (ok, permanent) economic recession; ‘cuz in the long run we’re simply better off cutting our losses and moving forward with our lives.

C. Dubs is a freelance writer currently living in Salt Lake City.