Snoop Doggy Dogg Converts
by al fonzarelli
Gangster Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg whose platinum records include “Serial Killa” and “For All My Niggaz & Bitches” announced today he is terminating his recording contract with Death Row Records to serve an LDS Mormon Mission to Salt Lake City, UT.
Elder Dogg, accompanied by his mission companion arrived for an interview at Sizzler’s Restaurant on 400 South in Salt Lake City dressed in a white shirt and missionary tag.
In an informal question and answer session with reporters Elder Dogg was uncharacteristically reticent but upbeat. “Ya’ll think I’m running some kinda shit here, but this is the real deal.”
Apparently Elder Dogg received his mission call from none other than LDS Apostle Neal Maxwell.
“I was hanging with my boys getting high in the Dogg Pound and my pager goes off. I didn’t recognize the area code 801 so thinking it was business, I call the number and it was Brother Maxwell, for real. He tells me to stop hitting my blunt for just 10 minutes and hear him out. So he runs this bit on me about God’s plan for my life.”
With tears welling in his eyes, Elder Dogg continued, “I told him, ‘look nigga, I don’t know you from shit. All the apostles I know is dead. Just maybe God wants me to die in flames as a message of salvation for other motherfuckers watchin’ my ass.’ Then Maxwell says ‘Brother Dogg, Tupac messed up and now he’s takin’ the big dirt nap and that’s his gig, but God’s got you scheduled for a different party and if you really want to help Shakur, you can baptize him once you’re in with us. Besides, we need you to bring a little color here to Salt Lake.’ So I told him, ‘Count me in nigga.’” Elder Dogg doesn’t plan to perform or write any new songs so he can devote his efforts to the mission field. However, Elder Dogg broke into an impromptu performance of his last rap song aptly entitled “Mormonz In The Hood”:
Niggas chill cuz the temperature is droppin,
Like a motherfucka’s ass that my Glock is clockin’,
Your body and your souls are in an invisible prison,
From druggin’ and consumin’ the white man’s vision,
Of what niggas is and ain’t so you don’t have no ambition,
And so you can die in the nigga tradition.
So you motherfucka’s thinkin’ I’m some kinda phony,
I’m about to break it off in your ass with my testimony.
Now I can dig the cash, the bitches and Benz’s,
But you can keep your shit if you mend your fences.
My homeys in Salt Lake City got lots of ride and gash,
And those whiteys can teach you niggas how to pile up cash.
And if you don’t heed the prophet and the brass,
I’m gonna have to put a fuckin’ bullet in your ass.
Crack will loot your life and make your souls dark and hollow,
So keep your mind and body clean and yo’ ass will follow.
And when the curtain drops and the show is over,
You get to keep it all in eternal fields of clover.