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Attack on America

by tommy kirchhoff

Dear Readers,

The Attack on America was horrible, but as Americans, we will get through it. We may not bounce back right away, but we’ll definitely move passed these days where real terror overshadows everything we do.

Critical to our country’s readjustment is laughter. We need to mourn, then we need to laugh. The decision to cancel the Emmys because “no one will feel like partying” was a poor one. Our country needs to find humor and entertainment more so now than ever before; this is how wounds are healed, nightmares are quelled, and anxieties are resolved.

When we scramble around, panicking, worrying and hiding, we are under terrorist rule.When we can chuckle at a joke, dance with the music, drink and be merry, we have freed ourselves. Laughter is what kills terrorism.

Lately, we’ve heard some people say they were confused with our little paper. We heard people describe Wild Utah as “edgy,” “strange” and even “avant-garde.” Fuck all that. We are here to make you laugh—nothing else. We spend a great deal of time, energy and money collecting, laying-out, editing, printing and distributing this publication for no other reason than entertaining you. If you’re missing that, you may not have a sense of humor. Fine by us; too bad for you.

On September 11th, we could not produce Wild Utah. We were terrorized. We sat on the couch and watched the news for 15 hours, horrified by what these bastards wanted us to see. The terrorist’s events were timed so that the media could focus-in and distribute these images. They knew everyone would be able to watch that second commercial plane meld with a New York skyscraper in a marriage of fire and brimstone. The terrorists may not have known that the buildings would fall. They may not have known that so many people would be killed, or that network television would air New Yorkers screaming things like “Holy Fucking Jesus!”

That sucked, people. Our most sincere thoughts, prayers and hope go out to everyone effected by this.

Today—we charge the gates. Wild Utah is attacking terrorism with all the comedy, humor and laughter we can muster. Fuck whoever did this. It’s time to party. It’s time to show Osama Bin Laden, or the dissident left-wing military (or whoever the hell did this) that we’re not scared, and we’re not going to live in terror.

A long time ago, there was a great movie called “Animal House.” (You people with no sense of humor probably didn’t like it). When times got rough, the Delta’s just partied.

Now is the time for us to act like Delta Chi’s. Say to yourself,

“There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this: Toga!”