email us firstname.lastname@example.org
by tommy kirchhoff
July 15, 2002
Mr. Will Soo
Soo, Ingfoaks & Winning
8 Vultures Circle
Billable, GA 60012
Dear Mr. Soo,
We are counsel to 14-year old Willy Graber and his parents. Your letter to the Grabers dated June 25, 2002 has been referred to us for reply.
In your letter you demand that Willy Graber immediately stop looking at the breasts of your client, 31-year old biology teacher Ms. Margaret Penning. You also demand that all of Willy’s sexual innuendo and advancements directed toward Ms. Penning cease immediately.
Our client would like to make it patently and vividly clear that he does not desire to touch your client’s bust, fondle her bosoms, slide any part of his body between her nice, round breasts— nor does he want to ejaculate onto any part of your client’s skin or into her person.
Your June 25th letter claims “ Willy Graber’s attempts to look down Ms. Penning’s shirt and obsessive staring at her breasts at close range make Ms. Penning chronically uncomfortable.” Any perceived attempts of Willy Graber trying to “get a good look” at Ms. Penning’s mammary glands are purely coincidental. Our client maintains he has seen Ms. Penning’s breasts fully clothed and as part of her overall appearance, but he has never looked closely or stared at them.
The inferences your client makes about certain spoken messages from Willy are simply balderdash; Willy Graber is not yet at an age to make such sophisticated suggestions. The following should clear up the both inferences cited in your June 25th letter:
When Willy Graber told Ms. Penning that he, “would really like to get a Hummer,” Willy was referring specifically to AM General’s original military standard SUV, the “High Mobility Multi-Purpose Wheeled Vehicle” or HMMWV or Hum-V or Hummer.
When Willy told Ms. Penning that her, “jugs were perfect, and that he couldn’t wait to get his lips around those perky little spickets,” Ms. Penning had just brought the class five pans of cookies and two gallons of milk. Billy was expressing his intense liking for milk and his excitement to drink the milk directly from the carton— an activity that is expressly prohibited in his home.”
You admit that Willy Graber’s pubescence is “probably a factor.” If your client is in any way uncomfortable working in the presence of hormonal, young men, why then Mr. Soo does she teach biology to 14-year olds? You were once a pubescent boy; certainly you remember incessantly staring at every set of breasts you encountered while battling a raging stiffy against your zipper. We are certain every boy in Ms. Penning’s class is taking a good look at her very attractive breasts—with the exception of our client.
Mr. Soo, your client has no case against Willy Graber. On the contrary, my clients may proceed with all legal and other action necessary to protect Willy Graber and make this firm a ton of fucking dough. These will include without limitation: the initiation of legal proceedings for a preliminary injunction and the recovery of damages; the overstated costs and attorneys’ fees associated with such efforts; first class travel, five-star accommodations, and the culinary arts which make this life bearable; support of a few excessive “rock star” cocaine habits and fees for a few high-paid hookers; and all the billable time our secretaries can account for while we’re sexually harassing their sweet little asses.
We’re on retainer, so let’s meet for lunch this week to discuss your client’s tits and some unreasonable settlement options. Please bring frontal, profile and close-up photographs of your client’s topless chest in order to make a fair assessment of this prospective issue. I’ll make reservations at Chez Exquis.
All, Heads & Asses, Ltd.