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Predictions For The Next Thousand Years

by andrew haley

Evening readers, Doctor Shiteeri Wamwami Bonzai here with my 2001 predictions-ah hell, with my predictions for the next thousand years. To start, let me apologize for my long silence. It has been a devastating season for all of us here at Transcending Mundane, Inc. Yea! even a heavy gloom of hopelessness has settled over the monastery as the Baboon King picks through his cabinet like a desperate sailor through a pride of rotten whores. I thought the Constitution had a clause preventing the possession of nuclear weapons by anyone too stupid to fail in the oil business. Anyhow, to continue, I train my gaze at the brown diaper of a sky, and strain to see the future through our coughing pall.

So then, with a throw of the lever and twist of the magic sack, Dr. Bonzai begins!


1. The note on my door that reads, "WARNING! THIS IS A NO SMOKING BUILDING. MY INSURANCE DOES NOT COVER SMOKING. IF I FIND EVIDENCE OF SMOKING NEAR YOUR UNIT AGAIN I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO EVICT YOU" will be carved in the ozone by tiny flying robots made of aerosol cans so that everyone, everywhere with exposed skin will be burned to death by the rays of the almighty sun...

2. ...leaving by natural selection only members of the Taliban, and bureaucrats in cheap polyester suits...

3. ...who will immediately create new and improved death penalties for all sorts of social disobedience, especially all forms of environmental protest, questioning tax cuts, and the ownership of large dogs.

4. Carlos, the Mexican squatter who shares the bed with me and my girlfriend, will go on the road in a school bus, putting on brilliant theater for the impoverished (after he learns how to read), and will become the heir to Shakespeare's throne and the principal figure of a new religion, preaching humility, charity, and bawdy humor...

5. Carlos will be promptly executed by public blending by the International Talibanian Republic of God-Fearing American Bureaucrats for his hit musical "The BureauCats!"

6. The Bush family will annex all National Parks, National Wilderness Areas, and BLM areas, and transform them into the international sensation known as Dubya's Oil World, where Micky Mouse will be publicly executed by forced drinking of crude oil, after he has publicly renounced his question, "Hey Kids!...hehehe...ever seen the Matterhorn?"

7. During the fifth anniversary festivities for Dubya's Oil World, Jeb Bush will spontaneously combust, burning down the state of Alaska and causing a hole in the ozone the size of India to form over the Northern half of the United States, which will be hailed as a "Giant leap for progress, science, democracy, and the American Way."

8. The genetic cloning of all cows, pets, soldiers, fruits and vegetables will accidentally sterilize the world food supply...

9. ...and the Federal Seed Reserve will turn out to be empty, because the guards on duty "got bored" and "smoked that shit." As a result, the remaining bureaucrats and members of the Taliban will die out, except for the Mormons who are used to eating such crap that they take to eating sand, but only buffet style. But before the meaty paw of history interferes...

10. Tomorrow morning, once I get Carlos out of here, on each door in the building, my landlady will post an impersonal note that reads: WARNING! THIS IS A NO FUN BUILDING. MY INSURANCE DOES NOT COVER FUN. IF I FIND EVIDENCE OF FUN NEAR YOUR UNIT AGAIN I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO EVICT YOU, and I will get evicted.