Cheesewiz con queso!

Pickled Think

The Ultimate High


Eavesdropping on Lesbians

Ask Al

Wild Card

Comics & Images

Phat Tat

Ski Bums


The Utah Way

by tommy kirchhoff

Take a drive over to Colorado. If you get out of your car in the very largest, most remote mountains and walk deep into some canyons, you’ll find places where the ignorant, old miners screwed up the land—then left a bunch of shit laying around for no one to pick up.

Ya, it’s a offensive, but it’s nothing like what we have here in Utah. Most of Colorado’s nasty stuff is out of the general view shed.

The Great Wall of China can be seen from space; so can The Great Pyramid. But there’s nothing great about seeing The Kennecot Copper Mine from space. It’s the epitome of raping and pillaging the land. So what if somebody made a gajillion dollars on it. It’s ugly, gross and disgusting, and from an intellectual’s perspective, maybe it could have been mined in a way not so visible from Salt Lake.

But wait, there’s more! With your view of the Kennocot Mine, you’ll receive the shitty looking mine by Woods Cross, Harper’s crappy quarry just into Parley’s Canyon, and the wretched stench of one super-polluted Lake Provo. And that’s not all! At no additional cost, you’ll get the horrid looking rock quarries creeping up Browns Canyon Road, the public rape of Wasatch County also known as DeerCrest, the unsettling industry of water pipes, electric lines and whatever-the-hell traversing Provo Canyon, AND the insidious MercCorp on the Great Salt Lake.

Yes, this state’s motto is “Industry.” And it’s amazing just how bad a scant 1.4 million people want to fuck this place up. What’s a little high-radiation nuclear waste to throw into the mix? So what if your kids are drinking excessive levels of arsenic and mercury. Let’s make money! Let’s get rich and kill absolutely dead one of the most naturally beautiful places on earth.

If you want to make money, just charge a fee to have excavators dump endless loads of garbage, fill dirt and tailings on your ranch in Eastern Summit County! The local government won’t get in your way. While we’re at it, why don’t we all start strip mining the entire Wasatch Range? There’s gotta be more good stuff to sell that we haven’t found yet! Let’s keep drilling for oil in the Uinta Basin—even though 99.8 percent of the wells don’t produce shit.

Let’s build one more huge, offensive highway, develop every square inch of land around it and label it a “Legacy” so that 12 greaseball Mormons can make their next gajillion. Hell, they’ve earned it. They deserve to be paid a million dollars for every acre of land they can piss on. We don’t need a bullet train. That’s for the faggy, San Francisco intellectuals. It doesn’t make nearly the money a Legacy Highway can.

Maybe, just maybe…if we industrialize with no thought of sustainability or future consequences…we can build the state of Utah into one gigantic city. Ten million babies can scream beneath the smoggy ecstasy of a metal grinding, gay-ridden, one religion high-rise mega-metropolis where brainwashed beta-humans sing songs about Moroni as they toil for the greater good. Provo will arise as the new spiritual center. The suburb of Moab can be the nuclear production and plutonium waste dump. Tithings will go up 12 percent, and The Church will buy up Detroit, OPEC and eventually the rest of the world—tax free. Ahhhhh… That sounds reeeal good. Shhhhewwwww…

Sorry Selwyn. It ain’t gonna happen.