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Dear Al,
I recently hit it big out on the town. As I proceeded to get shit-faced, the enevitable beer-goggle phenomenon took hold and the snaggle-toothed girl in the corner was starting to look damn fine. I started talking to her and after a few more gin and tonics and a dance, I took her home. The next morning I awoke as if it were a bad dream, only to find princess bucktooth laying next to me, buck naked. Why does this phenomenon occur, and what can I do to avoid another such encounter? Sincerely, Leg Chewed-off Coyote

Dear Mr. Coyote
You may think this only happens to men; but on the contrary, small amounts of alcohol in women produces testosterone and an increased libido. A man’s sex drive will actually start to decrease with consumption, but a man’s decreased sex drive is still much higher than a woman’s increased sex drive. This is called the “men are pigs” theory. When you consume alcohol, your judgement is impaired and the alcohol disables the brain centers that inhibit your behavior. To avoid these undesirable situations, simply stop drinking; but since I know that’ll never happen, next time bring a buddy you trust to be your voice of reason should you find another girl in the corner. Otherwise you’re pretty much S.O.L. I believe beer goggles are the Universe’s way of giving everyone the chance to get some lovin’. As they say, everyone needs a little lovin’ sometimes.

Dear Al,
My drinking buddy Bob and I go out every weekend to throw a few back. Ever since I’ve known him he has been able to drink me under the table. He will often give me shit and call me a lightweight. We are about the same size and I’ve heard that can be a factor in your tolerance. Am I really just a lightweight sissy, or is there something I can do to keep up with Bob?
Please help, Under The Table

Dear Under(wear),
Ahh yes, you’ve just touched on one of a drinkers biggest concerns. Some people would say this is more of a blessing than a curse, but I say some people can kiss my ass. Peer pressure is a great motivator, so if you want to be a respected member of the drinking community, and not a lightweight pantywaist, you better learn some tolerance. First of all “yes,” size does matter. The more blood volume you have, the longer it will take to feel the affects of alcohol. The presence of food in the stomach acts as an absorber. When alcohol enters the body, it gets absorbed into the bloodstream through the lining of the stomach and intestines. If you have food in there, a greater percentage will be sucked up by the food and less will be absorbed into the bloodstream. Men generally have a higher tolerance because of their size and they have more of the alcohol-metabolizing enzyme (alcohol dehydrogenase). A person’s mood and reason for drinking can also play a critical role in their tolerance. Alcohol is a depressant, so if you’re already depressed, you’re half way there to begin with. Finally, a person can gain tolerance by just drinking. The more you drink, the more tolerance you gain. Alcohol is not a natural substance to the body, so your liver must work hard to break down the alcohol enzyme. With hard work and determination, your liver will become more efficient at breaking it down. So think of it as a workout: the tavern= your health club; the bartender= your personal trainer. The next time you and Bob go out, use these tips and we’ll see who’ll be the last one standing. Quick note: please drink responsibly – drinks mixed with fruit juice or water will slow absorption equaling higher tolerance, while carbonated drinks absorb faster and speed up stomach emptying, equaling drunk, puking idiot.

Dear Al,
My friend Damian distills cayenne pepper in alcohol, and packages it in a one ounce vile. The stuff makes me feel great, but I was wondering if it’s illegal for him to sell this since there is a fair amount of alcohol in it.
Heat Fiend

Dear Mr. Heat,
This is a tough one, but yes, he can sell these little gems as long as the intent is to use it as a spice or additive, much like a hot sauce. This type of product is called a tincture; that is a substance held in alcoholic menstruum. I’m familiar with this pepper and I can say if anyone plans on using this in heavy doses, say your prayers. I once took a swig in the name of experience, (and maybe a quick hot buzz) and what little I remember was a trip to the depths of hell. When it finally gets through the system, I can tell you it’s twice as hot upon exit. So tell your friend to keep the stuff coming, and put me down for two bottles.