Utah Porn Awards
by tommy kirchhoff
Governor Might Luvit enters, stage left (extended applause)
Luvit: “Thank you (smiles, blushes). I’m pleased to be hosting this year’s Ohyadewme Awards for outstanding efforts in pornography. Utah is a terrific place to conceal the overzealous viewing and production of pornography, and this year’s awards mark a new high. To get the juices flowing, we have a short clip for you from the upcoming film The Emperor’s Blue Tube.”
(fiery porn clip is projected on big screen; audience begins to wiggle in their seats; clip ends; applause)
Luvit: “Turgid… I had an on-the-way-over-here joke ready to go, but now I need to get off…stage. So without further ado, please welcome S.L.U.T president Mitts Onme to present the award for best independent film with a budget under five thousand dollars.”
(applause; Luvit exits stage right; Mitts Onme enters stage left)
Onme: “Thank you Might. I’m a handsome man, thank you. Presenting the award for the best independent film with a budget under five thousand dollars. The nominees are: The Legend of Bulging Pants, Provo Productions (clip plays); Blast Away, Fling&Swing Films (clip plays); and Thirteen Lays by ZionTribe (clip plays). (Onme opens envelope) And the Ohyadewme goes to… The Legend of Bulging Pants, Provo Productions.
(applause; Provo Productions representative Tim Pullrekmend offers a mindless thanks; accepts the brass phallus; Onme and Pullrekmend exit stage right; Luvit enters stage left)
Luvit: “Now that’s an award the whole family can enjoy. And speaking of enjoyment, there’s nothing more fun than trying to decimate Utah’s natural environment with irresponsible industry. So to present this years award for best independent film with a budget over five thousand dollars, please welcome Utah’s corrupted congressmen Chimp Handsome and Piss Cannon.”
(applause, Luvit exits, Chimp and Piss enter)
Chimp: “So like, porn is cool, huh!”
(applause erupts; Cannon snickers uncontrollably)
Cannon: (shaking nervously) “He, he, I wank myself…a lot.” (audience goes silent)
Chimp: “Sure Piss, we all flip the little fiddler. So like, anyway, porn is a fifty eight billion dollar industry, and it’s still on the rise, he he. High-speed internet has enabled so many perverts to access (looks left; producer is gritting his teeth) um, cool stuff… but anyway—the nominees for this years award for best independent film with a budget over five thousand dollars are: All The Pretty wHores, The Lykes of Dykes & Strypes (clip plays); Wonder Toys by Missionary’s Position (clip plays); and Glad-he-ate-her, Tri-Anything Pictures (clip plays)… Tasty grubbin’… And the Ohyadewme goes to… Glad-he-ate-her, Tri-Anything Pictures.”
(applause; Tri-Anything Pictures’ Yank Williams accepts the brass phallus and yammers out a snoozer; if it weren’t for an incendiary porn clip on the big screen, the audience would be gone)
Might Luvit: “All right, now this place is really rockin’! This industry’s all about doin’ it. I do it; you do it, we film it and everybody watches it—then they all do it! Some do it fast and some do it slow, but nobody gets it done like Sinator Borin’ Snatch. So to present this year’s award for the porn film with almost some sort of plot, please welcome Sinator Snatch.”
(enters, exits, bla, bla, bla)
Snatch: “Yes, hello. Anyone here seen Traffic? I thought it blew, and I didn’t even get off—a ha ha, haha haha—oh. Right then. This year’s award for plot is somewhat of a mystery to me. I’m not into plot. I just get it done. Anyway, the nominees for plot are: Gay It Forward, Boy Scouts Rn’t Us (clip plays); Almost Laid Us, Runaway Niece Motion Pictures (clip plays); and How the Grinch Poled Chris Moss, produced by DreamJerks (clip). And the Ohyadewme goes to…(has trouble opening envelope)… Gay It Forward, Boy Scouts Rn’t Us.”
(applause, god the crappy speeches—aren’t porn movies bad enough?)
Luvit: “Local works are the staple of Utah’s porn industry. Let’s remember back to the first day MerryYacht Hotels offered pay-per-spew porn movies. Debbie Does Draper, and Bring’em Young’s Old Enough To Go The Store are nostalgic looks at a time when porn was young and fresh. MerryYacht’s scorching new Mormon Miracle Orgy was actually filmed in This Is The Place park. MerryYacht will hold exclusive screenings of their newest films, Gooin’ Up My Garments and Scandel’s Only Skin Deep in Heber next week. Only Utah’s worthiest will be invited. Speaking of scandal, here to present the award for the genre ‘Britney Spears internet porn,’ please welcome our hometown Molympic scandalists, BigTime Belch and Heave Johnson.”
(you know the score)
Heave: “We’re innocent.”
Belch: “Ya, we didn’t do nothin’. We’ll present this award, but we didn’t do nothin’ that y’all didn’t want us to do; so don’t make no trouble for us. Okay. Britney Spears has uh, never done no actual porn stuff. But people will pay lots of money and scholarships to watch digital creations of her doin’ fake naughty stuff, heh. So, the nominees for pervert-guys-who-made-fake-porn-of-Britney-Spears-doin-stuff are: the claymation Oops I Did Him Again by Phallodough Productions; the digital photochop Pepsi Commercial: If We Had Our Choice by TeenCreams L.L.C; and Playing With My Micky Mouse Club by SikNitWits. And the Ohyadewme goes to… Oops I Did Him Again.
(small blobs of PlayDough begin flying around the room; jaded laughter ensues)
Luvit: “And here to present The Big Ohh for the hottest porno out, please welcome RULDS? President Hordin MeWinky…”
Hordin: “Thank you Mikey, I mean Might. This year’s Big Ohh was no shot in the dark. We put all our wives together to come up with our flick pick to paint the walls with. After taxing my little temple with dozens of low-grade films, three titles of smut stuck out like a sore, red and swollen thumb. The nominees for this years Big Ohyadewme are: Frequent Me; Shadow of a Vamp-whore; and Men of Boner. Frankly, I don’t care who gets the phallus; because as long as we’re promoting procreation, we’re winning the race.”