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Smoke Up Jonny (in dual entry accounting form)

by tommy kirchhoff

Smoking sucks-everybody pick on smoking. It's a heinous act. It stinks. It pollutes the environment. And it's a killer (debit: Smoking Pride, credit: Global Cause).

This sick, disgusting ritual of smoking cannot be explained-except that Big Tobacco markets these foul cancer sticks to children; then on top of it, they put extra horrific shit into cigarettes to make them powerfully addictive (debit: Any Youth's Allowance, credit: Corporate Crime).

Why do people smoke! Tell me! Give me the truth, I can handle it!

(open new account: Simple Fleeting Pleasure)

The sight and smell of fresh cigarettes massages the mind of he who knows their gift. Seeing the embered tip of a lighted smoke across a room is a beacon to the nicotine soothe. Being close enough to hear the feint crackle of someone's first drag is a mind-tingling reminder of what you should be doing. (debit: One Smoke From The Pack; credit: Oh Ya Baby, Here It Comes!)

I'll tell ya why people smoke. The buzz. Smokers love the buzz enough that they're willing to let it kill them. I remember my first drag. I was 22, and lucky for me, someone else was driving my car. I felt like Alice in Wonderland. We stopped to ask directions, but I couldn't even talk. Since then, I've always felt that the legality of smoking while driving is highly questionable. But I enjoy doing it. (debit: My Last Cigarette; credit: Bloody Stinking Denial)

Ponder this for a moment, Mr. Non-smoker. You go out and buy a pint of whiskey to take to a party. Do you share it? Would you give up as much as half to complete strangers? Smokers are the most generous people on the planet. Countless millions of times, a smoker has walked right up to a smoking stranger, asked to bum one, and the stranger will happily remit without any hassle. Come to think of it, marijuana smokers will do the same. So if the notion of charity seems devoid and forever gone from humanity, try bumming a smoke sometime (credit: Nobility Of The Smoker; debit: Grabbin' At Anything Here).

Bummin' a choke is an interesting side note. All cigarettes are not created equal. If you're a Marlboro Man, and the smoke you bum is a Kool, chances are you'll probably look for someone else to bum one off immediately. Then again, if you're a Benson & Hedges kinda' smoker, you might take someone up on a Winston; but four puffs later, you're stubbin' that thing out and verbally punishing yourself for making such a gigantic mistake. I don't know how Drum rollers make it through a day. Frankly, I don't get any kind of buzz-Drums just make me feel putrid. A Nat Sherman on the other hand soaks me on the first draw. I'm forced to extinguish it right away so that I don't land on my face. I'm not really a smoker, but the new Camel Turkish Golds are certainly lovely (credit: God I Hope My Mom Never Reads This, debit: More Than Seven Minutes From My Life).

There are lots of things to smoke out there. I like all of them. Smoking a twice-packed pipe full of fine tobacco makes me feel distinguished. Puffin' on a big ole' dog turd, like a Macanudo or a Playboy Don Diego, makes me feel like my shipment of contraband leaving Cartegena will need to be watched closely. When in Rome, I also like to chew; but I won't go into that disgusting habit too much (it's a wife thing). (credit: Everything In Moderation; debit: Will Make You Die A Lot Quicker)

Some smokers out there can barely hang on without a smoke every four minutes. Some people call themselves smokers, but forget to smoke for up to a week. I for one have never figured out why people smack their pack; cigarettes smoke just fine without it. Zippo's are the way to go. And if you don't think it's lit, just puff it a few times.