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Billy in the Bathtub

by tommy kirchhoff

(Monologue setup: Bill Clinton is sitting in the whitehouse bathtub, mumbling to himself with an Arkansas cowboy hat on. A 24" Grafix bong sits outside the tub with a half-smoked bowl of extremely potent gift-marijuana from Mexican President Zedillo.)

* to be read in the croaky, southern-drawled voice of Bill Clinton *

"Ya, this soak fells good. Now all I need is that little Tanya Harding in here to sit on my lap and make rubber ducky noises. Huh-huh, ya, that'd be nice.

What'a ya think of that soldier? That 'd make you happy, huh? All this talk about Reagan's mug carved into Mount Rushmore. If they wanted the real deal, they'd carve out my penis-large and live…ya, that'd be nice. Sure as hell wouldn't wanta do Bob Dole's dick, all limp and dysfunctional. If they did, it would have to be like a big fat, flaccid joke. It would have to wear a giant blue bonnet that says Pfizer. Ya, there's our forefathers and Bob Dole's foreskin. Ya, that'd be funny." (reaches for bong, seals the mouth over his lips and tugs) blib lib lib lib lib, pfffffffftt-cuh; pft; hmpt-hmpt

"Curves. Curves are the best. A woman is all about curves. Hip… butt. I'd like to be friends with all three of those girls on 'Friends.'

The rounder the curve, the more my little guy gets happy. That 'Friends' show is dangerous. That's the whole damn reason I started pluggin' Monika. Saw those curved breasts on TV, glowing in that TV lighting, and those tight shirts, and they always, ALWAYS have hard nipples. Those breasts are round, round curves, and then the nipple, man that thing is the shortest, tightest, sweetest, roundest curve yet. That episode when Jennifer Aniston went out to dinner in that teddy-next thing I knew Monika was in the oval office wanting some petty decision; ya, I remember her nipples… Ya, those were nice. She's a little chubby, but all the best ones in Arkansas were too. Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round. Huh-huh.

I gotta say, Monika drops forty pounds, and she's got herself a cash-cow future in porn. After I did her, there's gotta be twenty million people that would pay to watch her make rubber ducky noises. Ya.

And if Hillary moves to New York to be a junior senator-then I'll really get strange. Ya, I better start plannin' to blow some shit up. That President Zedillo better keep these buds comin'. And none of that Mexican ditch weed, or I'll show him the biggest lighter he's ever seen…"