Beware of Wedding Season
It doesn’t look like a bill. In fact, that little square nouveau envelope
appears as though it could be a letter. But you know better. It’s April, and
the address is written in that wispy calligraphy that can only mean one thing:
wedding season is about to hit – hard.
You may be one of the last remaining single gals of your clan. Chances are,
you’ll also feel queezy as you open each of the half-dozen wedding invitations
that will appear in your post office box prior to June 1st.
Whether you love or hate weddings, whether you’re single, or about to get
hitched yourself – there comes a time when you need to weigh your obligations
to attend these proclamations of life-long unions.
If you’re in a quandary – how you answer the following questions could make
your answer as clear as the cubic zirconia that dick at the bowling alley
wanted to give to you back in 1988.
Are you in the wedding, and if so, how ugly are the dresses?
When was the last time you saw the bride-to-be? If you were both 14, forget
Will the reception be held in a grange hall? If you answer yes – expect to
see the groom doing tap hits off the PBR keg.
Try this equation: price of transportation to wedding + price of new slutty
dress + price of not-so-obviously-cheap-gift. If this adds up to more than
the cost of a weekend kayaking in the San Juans, forget it.
Guest list. Who will be there? People you know and have always wanted to
sleep with… OR idiots your friend now calls friends that you have nothing
in common with.
Now ladies, look at your answers and it should be obvious how many bouquets
you’ll see in mid-flight this summer.
Just for laughs – here are a few wedding memories that have been difficult
for myself and fellow chicks to forget.
The wedding where eight bridesmaids wore floor-length fuchsia dresses with
rhinestone belts. It was A Chorus Line performance in a cathedral.
The grange hall reception where the appetizers were Safeway cookies and watermelon.
No, we hadn’t seen these people since high school.
Getting laid by your ex-college boyfriend in the back yard of the reception
hall. Then, proceeding to return the black cocktail dress to Nordstroms the
The bride and groom dancing to “Jump, Jump up, Jump Around”
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