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Origins of Mormon Liquor Laws

by tommy kirchhoff

When non-drinkers make the laws, drinkers shake their heads.

1. Mormons must always have their garments on. If they need to take them off, they must put an arm or a leg part way into the clean pair before they can take the dirty ones off. This is where the liquor law came from which keeps drinkers from having two drinks in front of them at any one time. Garments are sacred; alcohol is evil.

2. Missionaries must always wear their nametags. This is where the server nametag rule comes from.

3. Every so often, any good Mormon has to re-up his Temple recommend status with the church; he pays his money, signs his name and viola! He’s in. This is where the private club membership came from.

4. In Utah, you can only get one ounce of alcohol in a drink. You can’t have one drop more than one ounce. This law seems to have come into play about the same time Mormons denounced plural marriage. “Trust me son, one’s all you can handle.”

5. You’re not allowed to bring in alcohol from other states. This is much akin to a Mormon mission. A boy ventures out into the wilds of Wyoming; he is not allowed to consume alcohol or bring it back into the Motherland.

(six) 3.2 is the most common type of beer in Utah. This is because it’s the same number of children in each bedroom of a Mormon home.

7. Only a “worthy” Mormon is allowed to go into a Temple. In a restaurant, one cannot order alcohol unless he or she intends to order food. In light of the church, someone who orders food is “worthy” to drink alcohol.

8. Utah law mandates minimum markups on all alcohol sales. Anyone who knows the Church of Jesus Christ, Inc. certainly knows why.

9. Utah law allows people to brown bag liquor to dinner. Utah law prohibits brown eye for dinner, but people licker anyway.

10. Utah liquor laws were created by leaders who expect their flock to obey all laws set before them. These laws are widely ignored by alcohol consumers because there is nowhere else in the great United States of America that tries so hard to enforce such ridiculous and unenforceable alcohol laws.

If the Mormons enacted the current liquor laws, why didn’t they enact the following:

1. Because we fear large bodies of water, no alcoholic beverage may be served in a vessel with a capacity larger than six (6) ounces.

2. Because we baptize the dead, it will be henceforth mandated that beer drinkers keep and store every empty bottle of beer they consume for the rest of their lives.

3. Because we had no problem dispatching 120 men, women and children in the Mountain Meadows Massacre, we may from time to time spontaneously destroy every bit of alcohol in the state. If anyone tries to bring more alcohol in before we’ve calmed down from the slaughter, we may kill those people too.

4. Because drinkers don’t have secret names or know the secret handshakes, anyone who wishes to order a drink must publicly yell out, “I’m the one called Fluffy!” Anyone who does not call out this phrase will not be given a drink.

5. Because we believe the Book of Mormon is the absolute truth without a shred of archeological evidence anywhere in the world, we bequeath onto drinkers the Liquor Law of Faith. All drinkers will be allowed one (1) alcoholic beverage per day. A drinker may consume this drink at any pace he or she desires. Then, the drinker must have faith and believe he or she has had all the intoxication needed for that day.

(By the way, let’s all start ordering our drinks with the Fluffy method...)