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Lying Lingerie

Bras That Really Don’t Need Boobs

by sky

At what point did brassieres become less about a little lift, and more about sheer armor? Gazing into my undie drawer, I noticed a horrifying truth. Those cute little comfortable silk numbers were getting shoved to the back corner because of the newer, bigger bra bullies.

These are the bras of a new era. They are large-cupped, under wire versions meant to lift, enlarge and push up the merchandise. What happened to reality? Sometime between Jerry’s death (may he rest in peace) and the horrifying outcome of the last presidential election, we ladies were left with little to no options in the lingerie department.

My research (which is completely made up) shows that 80-percent of all bras fall under the “deception underwear” category. There’s the wonder bra, the seamless bra, gel bras – shit, I wouldn’t be surprised to see sand, water, and syrup bras down the line. Oh wait; they already have the water bra on the market. I forgot.

“It’s frustrating for women with breasts, because we don’t need all that padding, but there’s nothing else out there to buy,” says one Park City gal. “It’s as if we’ve seen the magazines and now the stores are assuming that’s what we want to look like at any cost.”

Ladies, I dare you to look in your undie drawer and tell me you don’t have a single brassiere that is a tad, well… padded, in some fashion. Maybe you don’t have one if you’re a complete hippie chick and can braid your armpit hairs. That’s fine. I commend you. But for the rest of us trapped in what retail hell has offered, it’s tough to break the habit.

Then there’s the male point of view. Let’s just call it “The Great Let Down.” Ah yes, that’s when an innocent Summit County dude discovers the rack on his lady isn’t really there at all. It was a mirage brought to him courtesy of Victoria’s Big Bad Secret. It can be just as devastating for the girl when he’s about to reach over and touch her. She knows what he’ll feel, and it won’t be her. Instead, it’s going to feel like Tupperware tits! Run and hide sweetie.

I say it’s time to resurrect those sad, lifeless bras that you haven’t looked at in at least a year. Pull them out. Sure, they’ve been neglected – but it’s time to bring them back. Or better yet, go free —- there’s really no need to lie. If we ban together and refuse to buy what’s out there, perhaps we can change the trend. Free your tits! It’s natural for them to lay down a bit. They don’t have to be perky to the point they’re underneath your chin.

OK, that’s unrealistic. Most guys love big boobs. If we want to get their attention, perhaps the syrup bra is the first step. Then in the morning, you’ll already have something to put on those pancakes.


The not so real rack
The lip garments of yesteryear