Female Review by sky
Minutes before I went into the fabulous Holiday Village Cinemas 3 to see
Tomb Raider, I told my friends I was about to see a very bad movie. I was
wrong. I’m not a huge action-film fan, but this was decent. Tomb Raider had
plenty of cool, tough-chick action scenes that will make girls want to kick
someone’s ass once they leave the movie. There’s no point in talking about
plot. This movie was based on a video game (duh), and was far enough outside
of reality, that it seemed perfectly legitimate.
Men and women alike will be mesmerized by the overall girth of Angelina Jolie’s
breasts. I knew she was beautiful, and had large… lips – but what was up with
the boobs? Holy hell – they were big in this film, bigger than I had ever
seen. In a couple of shots I noticed they were actually lop-sided. Hmmm. They
are big. How does she function in real life? Not to burst anyone’s bubble…
but after a little research (ie. watching David Letterman) the answer was
out: those boobs weren’t all Jolie’s. Lara Croft is stacked. Producers of
Tomb Raider wanted to make Jolie even more stacked so she had to wear a prosthetic.
Interesting. This news shouldn’t stop anyone from staring at Jolie’s chest
area. You really can’t avoid it. Sooo… in conclusion, Tomb Raider is the perfect
date movie. Guys can stare at the main attraction, women can too… and the
chicks will leave empowered and ready to take on the world.
FYI – There are skinny mirrors in the women’s restroom at the Holiday Village
Finally, a gender specific movie review column you can
really sink you teeth into. Announcing the debut of “Critique This”
Male Review by dustin
Tomb Raider was truly a movie for guys who like movies. The plot was pretty
straightforward with no surprises—and this was a good thing. You don’t have
to think so much that you are not able to concentrate on Angelina Jolie’s
tits. The action is pretty consistent throughout the film with no one really
getting killed, maimed or really beat-up, except for Lara Croft, who I’m sure
took quite a beating from her tits in some of the action sequences. The movie
kind of drags and limps its way to the final action sequence: a ten-minute
slow motion fight/escape scene. I have no clue how it ended. I was too mesmerized
by Jolie’s flying tits in slow motion. I’m pretty sure that all of the plot
issues were resolved in the end; my wife didn’t complain. It was, all in all,
good clean fun, and kudos to the makeup crew. They might not have been able
to cover her tattoos very well, but they did a great job on those black eyes.
I give it two—no wait—three thumbs up. I’d also like to apologize to the people
in the row in front of me—that wasn’t really hair gel.