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LaVerkin, Utah just declared itself a “U.N.-Free Zone.” Where do 2500 sheep-shagging, Utah desert rats get off ostracizing themselves from the most delicately balanced political relationship on Planet Earth? We saw the Channel Two news segment on this; the “interview” included a young motherly-type saying, “when anyone spoke God’s name, you could hear the thunder outside...” Somehow, LaVerkin claims the Southern Utah Wilderness Alliance has connections to the U.N., and that they’re trying to tell them how they can develop their land. Ya…um, OK. Didn’t your mother ever tell you, “If you keep LaVerkin, you could go blind.”

Rod Decker (speaking of Channel Two) is one of KUTV’s ten o’clock news guys. You gotta check this dude out. He makes news fun, in a Rodney Dangerfield sort of way. One night, KUTV ran a story about the federal government’s consideration of making hemp products illegal. Rod covered the story with zeal. He said, ‘The FDA believes hemp products still have the intoxicant THC in them; so if I take this hemp lip balm and rub it aaallll over my lips (does so vigorously), the FDA says it releases THC into my bloodstream.’ Oh if it were only that easy, Rod…

In Virgin, Utah, the head of the household is required by law to own a gun.

Former Zions Bank CFO Dale Gibbons is really taking a tough rap. We feel for the guy. He had it all: money, party invitations, intoxicants… Then his daughter got a hold of some drugs, and the next thing you hear is HE’S THE DEVIL! We loved the news coverage on this one. Newscasters said Gibbons was leading a double life. Their evidence: they went into his wardrobe and found on one side, suits and ties—and on the other side, jeans and nice shirts. Woa! What could be next? Red wine with fish? White pants in October? Look out everybody—he’s might do something crazy!!

Teen-ager Derrick Sundquist admitted to having consensual oral sex with a 16-year-old girl last year — and became the first Utah man in several decades to be charged with sodomy. Utah law forbids “any sexual act with an [unmarried] person . . . involving the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person, regardless of the sex of either participant.” Sodomy was illegal for married people in Utah until 1977. So if you want to take an “alternate route,” here’s the skinny—Colorado: legal. Wyoming: legal. Idaho: crime against nature, 5 years to life. Nevada: legal. Arizona: crime against nature (anal intercourse), 30 days/$500. New Mexico: legal. You should also know that intercourse between consenting, unmarried people is still illegal in Utah. But if you’re married to her, she can legally consent to your hairy, smelly ass as young as 14 years old. (Pennsylvania, Maine and Iowa are the only other places you can Bring’em Young as 14)