First-timer? Buckle up. This is Chick Chat. It’s a column designed to
make you heave, laugh, and masturbate. All comments have been appreciated
– and more are welcome. You could become famous if we print your letter. Just
The time has come to address an issue nearly all men and women have encountered
sometime during their sexual pursuits: bad kissing. For men, it may be an
obstacle to getting laid. For women, it most often means a first and last
Guys, listen up. We chicks take kissing seriously. You could be not-so-charming
and not-so-good looking, but if you’re talented with the lips and tongue –
it’s possible for you to knock it out of the park sooner rather than later.
As always, Sky has done a fair amount of research on this topic. It seems
most men encountering a bad female kisser try to move on to something a little
more hot and heavy. No, the bad kisser doesn’t hinder the pending activities.
Instead, it signals that kissing won’t be the main meal for the night.(see
Women tend to be immediately turned-off by a bad kisser. I’ve heard on several
occasions, “I really like him. I mean, he’s cute, he’s got a great body, he’s
funny and rich, but he slobbers!” End of relationship. Sorry boys.
Keep in mind, both genders can be trained. But training takes patience and
Ladies, as horrifying as this is—let’s remember that kissing for many men
is just “clock time.” That’s what my friend Jon told me. It’s just a matter
of minutes before they’re getting what they really want. So, if you can find
someone who appreciates the art of kissing, hold onto them for the ride. Guys,
cool off and find an ounce of sensitivity—there are a lot of things you can
do with two mouths. Trust us.
Meantime, sit back, relax, and read on. I’m sure there’s someone you’ve smashed
lips with that will fit into one or (heaven forbid) all of these categories:
THE TONGUE PUSHER: this person thinks “leading with the tongue” is
somehow inviting to their mate. Think again. Your tongue is not an inter-galactic
THE SLOBBERER: When you have to wear a bib after making out—or feel
you need a napkin following a smooch… it’s a problem.
THE STIFF LIP: OK folks, relax; kissing should be a leisure sport,
not an order from the Marines. Chill out and for god sakes, suck down a doobie
if that’s what it takes.
THE LIP BITER: Not as common, but just as frightening as the tongue
pusher. This category can be painful. Best advice: recoil and run. It’s not
THE FRENZIED TONGUE: Operating like a lizard, this kissing bandit
has the skill and expertise to jab, swizzle, and recoil their tongue in mere
seconds. Can they be retrained? Possibly, but only by the Crocodile Hunter.
THE TEETH CRASHER: OK, sometimes this happens in moments of passion,
so we accept it. But in other cases, the instigator needs to calm the hell
down and back off. Let’s not chip a tooth here.
(footnote) A handful of sensitive males were also interviewed for
this piece, and say that kissing is important to them, and that they might
not do a girl who can’t kiss. How sweet. Ladies, there may be hope.