BJ Harkness

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Girth Guidelines

by sky

heinie (hi-nee):
slang, buttocks

So you've just had one of those "meetings of the minds," and perhaps not a lot of thought went into it (does it ever?). You wake up at his place and fumble for some pants. Through the haze, you grab his … they're too small. Trouble.

That scenario may be a bit far-fetched, but it is a good reminder: like in the kitchen, if you make poor decisions at the nightclub, you'll be the fat ass. Seriously ladies, make some guidelines and stick to them. The general rule for women: don't date a guy with a butt smaller than yours. A girlfriend of mine recently explained, "If I can't get his pants on, that means someone has to lose some LB's and it's not him."

After years of observing members of the male species, I was surprised to discover they too use ass-guidelines for determining someone's "shagability." A former roommate who wishes to be identified simply as "Mike" didn't hesitate to explain it to me in a single hand gesture. You know the one: thumbs together, pinkies out, like both hands are doing the "hang-loose" move. I was naïve and horrified about this one. Apparently most women are aware of this measurement tactic, most often used in dimly lit, smoky nightclubs. A man will measure the width of a woman's ass with his two hands outstretched. "If it doesn't fit here, it ain't comin' home," said Mike.

As we all know, there are exceptions to every rule. If the girl has a "rack" then her heinie is allowed extra girth, I'm told.

I realize this topic could be found highly offensive, but it's reality. Since researching for this column, I discovered the ass-ruler technique is not only common, but universal among men. Even the nicest guys give a chuckle and a demonstration when the topic is mentioned.

So fine, keep measuring our butts, and we'll keep avoiding all your small booties. Besides, if our butts are small enough to meet your guidelines, it probably means you have big hands… and you know what that means. We win again.