Everybody Knows
OK- lets go over this one more time. You’re in the bar once again browsing the meat market. You spot a likely candidate for the evening, but you can’t go up and talk to her unarmed. It seems that there are 12 other schmucks over there all ready, each with something more interesting to say than you.
Why is this? You live in Park City! There are almost 10 men for every single woman in this town. In Alaska it is said that you don’t lose your woman, you lose your turn. It is the same here. Everyone is active, beautiful, fit and educated. TOUGH COMPETITION!
It is a never-ending source of amusement to go to the bars and watch the games. Men always lose, even when they win. It is simple supply and demand. We (men) are here in great supply. They (women) are in great demand and short supply. It’s not really fair even when the numbers are even. A wise man once told me:
“Yes dear is the most useful thing that you will ever learn to say. Women own half the money and all the pussy in this world.” Be that as it may, there are things you can do to stack the odds in your favor, the most important of which is the pickup line. Get your foot in the door and who knows what else you might get in there before it slams (ouch).
We here at the Wild Utah office have compiled a list of our favorite lines to help the less gifted in talking to women and level the playing field a little. We expect you to fill us in on the ones that we’re missing and if you were the subject of one of the lines we mentioned, tell us whether it worked or not.
After we’ve heard from enough of you fruitloops, we will publish the best pickup lines of all time. The number one pickup line will win a months supply of super lube from Vision Video in Evanston, Wyoming! The author of the least favorite pickup line will be tied to a tree in the park where we will charge $5 a whack to flog him (or her) with a 24-inch dildo. Submissions will be sent to free@wildutah.net. We’ll show you ours, you show us yours!
Best Pick-up lines:
If you come up to my room there will be no intercourse! I will however tease and please you beyond your wildest dreams. (loony blackjack dealer to drunken BYU co-ed)
“Have you ever had a Scott? We’re all hung!” (overheard in the radisson bar one night closely followed by a sharp smack)
Always a classic- The Wood Special: Hey nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
This one (stolen from Seinfeld) has had limited success with some of the nameless barflies of Park City: “You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I can run very fast.”
“Those pants are very becoming on you. Of course if I were on you I’d be coming too.”
The Heber classic: “Me and my little sister’l make you forget all those problems mister.”
The Kamas classic: “The lot is $50,000, but I’ll rent the sheep to you for $5 an hour.”
Reverse psychology: “You know, I have a really small penis, you wouldn’t want me.”
The Trailer Park approach: “Hey! Let’s smoke some meth and I’ll rail you until the rest of your teeth fall out!”
O.K.- I’ll do anything to sell an ad: “You know, I was just up at VISION VIDEO at 1939 Harrison Drive, Evanston, Wyoming the other day and got a great ‘Chicks who Love Elephants’ flick. Wanna help me write a review?”
Only works for Wild Utah employees: “Sure we can put your cooch tat in the paper, you’ll be famous.”
Finally, no matter what the census says (Sky), Park City is still BYOB (bring your own bitch).