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Porn Czar Arrested for Miscegenation

Courtesy of the Deseret-Tribune

by al fonzarelli

In a “bizarre” twist, the nation’s first statewide Porn Czar (Utah’s only 40-year-old Mormon virgin), Paula Houston, was charged with one felony count of unlawful miscegenation with barnyard animals late Saturday evening.

Utah, the country’s notorious fledgling theocracy, has tried unsuccessfully to legislate morality and drawn the attention of news and law enforcement agencies worldwide. The state recently appointed a devout Mormon virgin, a woman who professes to have never seen a penis and whose religious tenets prohibit the placing of genitalia in one’s mouth for gratification, to head up statewide law enforcement on smut.

Acting on an anonymous tip, police invaded the barn of Hyrum Jensen in Springville, UT where they discovered Utah’s Porn Czar, Mz. Houston, sleeping with one of Mr. Jensen’s pigs.

Mz. Houston stood speechless as law enforcement officials took photographs and collected evidence from the scene, which included what was believed to be remnants of Mz. Houston’s ruptured hymen as well as pig ejaculate.

Houston was recently appointed to seek out pornography and obscenity in Utah and to assist legislators in re-writing pornography statutes. However, Houston’s appointment to the post drew criticism from all sides of law enforcement, the ACLU, The NAACP, The Utah Bar, as well as several retarded people who all questioned Houston’s qualifications for the position. Apparently everyone but Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff considered Houston completely unqualified for the position due to Houston’s lack of sexual experience, knowledge, and “exposure.” Accusations turned ugly as those opposed to the appointment accused Houston of being a lesbian.

Houston, a 40-year-old self-professed “virgin” denied rumors she was a lesbian and insisted that she has maintained her celibacy in observance of her Mormon beliefs. Said Houston; “Janet Reno has never been married and I fail to see how anyone can infer either Reno or myself, both who have law enforcement positions, are lesbians simply because we are professionals that happen to look like diesel mechanics.”

In December, 1999 Houston stated, “Although I have never had sex nor watched any sexual acts performed on video, I know obscenity and pornography when I see it.”

Shortly afterward, Houston began an unprecedented campaign to get local officials in Utah to ban all literature written by Henry Miller, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, and Theodore Dreiser.

Soon after her appointment, Houston forced the Salt Lake County Attorney’s office to indict a man under Utah’s pornography statutes for publishing his account of an incident that took place in the New Mexico desert. Steve Benson and a companion were traveling on Route 66 when Mr. Benson’s passenger felt the urge to urinate. Mr. Benson pulled his automobile on the side of the road where both men exposed their genitalia and urinated on a cluster of rocks. A rattlesnake that was nesting beneath the rocks rose up from its hiding place and bit Mr. Benson’s passenger on the penis, injecting the victim with a lethal dose of venom. Remembering his Boy Scout training, Mr. Benson took out his pocketknife and made a small x-shaped incision above the fang marks on his companion’s penis and immediately began sucking out the venom from the penis. His passenger survived the snake attack and was treated at a local hospital.

Benson published his heroic account in the Arizona Republic and was later indicted after Utah Troopers pulled Mr. Benson over on I-15 for suspicion of trafficking beer and a discovered copy of the pornographic newspaper account of the snakebite incident in Mr. Benson’s trunk.

Houston also hopes to pursue a criminal indictment against the University of Utah for forcing theater students to say “fuck” and “god-dammit” during performances. Said Houston; “This is salacious and gratuitous material and it is patently offensive under any community standard anywhere in the United States.”

Houston circulated petitions within numerous communities to get referendums on local ballots to outlaw the words: “shit, fuck, motherfucker, cock, cocksucker, twat, prick, and Democrat.”

With respect to her arrest, Houston denied any personal involvement with her porcine suitor and brushed off accusations saying, “When it is part of your job, I don’t see it as against your religion. Somebody has to deal with it, even if it’s not the most pleasant thing in the world. Besides, after I came, I made him stop and light me a cigarette. But being the pig that he is, he wiped his dick on the curtains and fell asleep. I feel so violated. Sex is totally overrated.”