2002 Unofficial Utah Winter Olympics Language Guide

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Holiday Returns – Get Your Refund Quick

by sky

****Hey kids, it’s been awhile since I sat at the ole’ keyboard—and, I’m a bit rusty on being the crass, sassy bitch of this town. So bear with me as I get warmed up for what is bound to be a chilly, sexy and wild winter.****

Research is underway but there is still no answer to a recent trend among Park City chicks. Perhaps there is a rare celestial alignment in effect. Maybe a pissed-off broad put something (besides heavy metals) in the Park City water system. Then again, the not-so-random acts of females in our little ski town could just be a coincidence.

The stories came rolling in over the past few days: Jennifer had broken up with her long-time beau of four years; Megan had cut off communications with her cute boyfriend; Christy made the move to leave her fiancé; and Kathy knew her relationship was over with a rather nice guy she had dated for months.

What the fuck is going on? I say a handful of women are coming to their senses. Why settle for mediocrity? Boys shouldn’t have to, and these aforementioned women won’t.

No settling. That’s the rule. Several generations of women have done it. Say “no” to what used to be the rule. Our great-grandmothers were brought up to believe they were nothing without a man and babies, and all that man could provide for them and the chillin’s.

We would hope that much has changed since Grammy’s day. Unfortunately, many of us believe a few good traits in a guy are better than no guy at all. I urge women to rethink that statement.

Some local ladies are discovering what bachelors have known for years…shopping around is OK. And looking, trying on, and placing back on the shelves is OK too.

Once you do realize it’s time to make a “return,” know that it is not the end of the world to be on your own. Maybe you thought you found the whole pie, and then he was just a piece. Take heed to my mother’s words:

“You can’t have any pie if you’re busy eating a Twinkie.” Thanks mom.

This is not to say guys aren’t doing the same thing this time of year. There is quite a list of local boys who are making the move to give up the regular sex they’re getting for the chance to meet someone they really belong with. This, of course, goes against what most males pride themselves in—the ability to have “sport sex” without considering emotional consequences. Perhaps the male species does have one very small sensitive bone.

Make the list. What do you want? Who do you need? And whom do you need to do? Order it up from the gods above. Perhaps this year Santa will deliver the goods—and I mean the whole package. Note to the male species living above seven thousand feet: It’s just not enough anymore to be a hot skier and a loser everywhere else.

***DISCLAIMER: To whom this may concern, this is in no way related to, or based on the fact that Sky is now single again—really schnookums.