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New Law Makes Utah Nation’s Largest Pimp

by al fonzrelli

Courtesy of The

Utah’s public school system, arguably the poorest and most crowded in the nation, stands to benefit from a new state law. Long-time proponents of improving Utah’s public school system contend Utah’s large families, the result Mormon church-encouraged breeding, have overrun the state’s public school system.

In response to the state’s school over-crowding crisis, Utah’s Legislature narrowly passed House Bill 290, which calls for the privatization and use taxation of the state’s nearly 650,000 public vaginas.

Effective March 1, 2002, the bill provides for the creation of the Division of Coitus Control (DOCC) to be run by a commission of three Catholic priests that will oversee the enactment and enforcement of sex throughout Utah.

The bill’s sponsor, Democrat Scott Daniels explained, “Actually, it is almost exactly like our state liquor laws and works on the same principle. The state is essentially going to privatize pussy. All vaginas in the state will become privatized and must be registered with the DOCC. Those wishing to gain entrance to a private vagina may purchase a temporary membership for $5 that lasts one week and admits up to six people. Others may purchase an annual membership for $25 that allows unlimited access throughout the year. Coitus will thereafter be dispensed in 30 second intervals at a set fee measured by state dispensed ‘vaginal activity meters.’ The proceeds from the DOCC will go into the state general fund where at least 50% of the revenues will be apportioned to Utah’s abysmal public school system.”

Monsignor Kevin O’Flannery was appointed Chief Commissioner of the DOCC and held a press conference from his office at the Utah Catholic Archdiocese. O’Flannery echoed the words of the Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control, “Moderation in coitus can best be achieved by neither promoting nor encouraging the consummation of sex, but rather by controlling it.”

Utah’s nearly 500 prostitutes who work the State Street corridor as well as various escort and massage services will also be subject to the new DOCC regulations. Whores may no longer advertise their sexual services. On public streets, you will have to ask for sex, and you will have to eat while doing it.

The master plan behind the law says O’Flannery, is to make sex visible and available to those that want it and essentially invisible to those that don’t.

O’Flannery defends the appointment of three Catholic priests to head the DOCC, “Just because all of us are celibate and totally inexperienced on family matters doesn’t mean we don’t know sex when we see it. Utah has a long tradition of paradoxical appointments to important political, regulatory and judicial posts. Ted Stewart never practiced in a courtroom and now he is a Federal Judge. Paula Houston, a Mormon virgin, is Utah’s Porn Czar. And of course, we cannot forget Utah’s Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission is controlled by non-drinking Mormons.”

Critics of the law promise to fight the law as far as the U.S. Supreme Court. The ultraconservative Eagle Forum President, Gayle Ruzicka, Mormon mother of 12 children, could be heard shrieking from her usual corner seat in the Utah Legislative Assembly, “This new law is anti-family. It encourages oral and anal sex which are not only abhorrent, but are illegal in Utah. We are going to fight this law in every court in the land until it is declared unconstitutional.”

However, one Utah State Legislator was not impressed. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, he said, “I believe it’s time Gayle started thinking about the welfare of the children in our schools instead of dropping her next litter. Someone has to pay for all those children and it is unfair to expect other taxpayers to subsidize those whose reproductive practices are more similar to alley cats than humans in a civilized society.”

Ruzicka’s husband seemed intrigued about the alternative forms of sex his wife eschews and said, “We need to give the new law a chance to work.”

Some lawmakers fearful of Ruzicka’s influence as well as others who find her shrill voice nauseating, have promised a compromise measure in the bill that would also require schools to teach creationism and that Utah’s public schools not formally recognize Dr. Martin Luther King Day.