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A Real Dick

by tommy kirchhoff

When someone calls a guy a ‘worm,’ the phallic metaphor is present even if you have to dig for it. A worm is the kind of guy that cuts in line.

Dork is a pretty teen-age insult. A real dick isn’t bothered much being called a dork. A dork is the kid that tells the teacher you didn’t actually go to the bathroom.

Weenie is the first rung on the phallic name scale with no mistake of meaning. A weenie is a driver that makes a right hand turn with his left blinker on. For that matter, Schnitzel comes to mind.

The beauty of schmok is most people don’t even know what it means. “Ha, ha, funny joke, Schmok!”

When Alex Trebek corrects someone’s French pronunciation on Jeopardy, Dink is the best word to describe the guy. (I got in a lot of trouble in seventh grade for calling the teacher a dink)

You really only hear meat in the athletic worlds. Meat can be the other baseball team’s pitcher, or an endearing name for a well-hung teammate.

To use knob, you have to be pretty cool. It stands to reason; how can you get knob to come off smoothly if you are one?

Personally, I’ll only call a guy a unit behind his back. If I’m in good company and I don’t want to embarrass everyone with something too offensive, I might chime off something like, “that Fabio’s a real unit.”

Putz is another to confuse someone with denotation; but trust me, snake’s a dick in any language.

And here again, you gotta be pretty cool to call someone a sausage, a tool or a chode. Any could be used for the guy that just can’t say something worth a shit…like Gene Shallot—he’s a real chode.

Penis. You heard me. Penis is the base of it all. You call a guy a penis, you’re not messing around with semantics or understatement. You’re telling him strait up that his actions remind you of a flaccid network of tissues with no use other than dribbling on a pair of shoes.

Although from penis, you could imagine that calling someone a boner would be a great compliment—but no, uh-uh. A boner is the guy that backs into your car, or George W. Bush when he interrupts The West Wing.

Dick is pretty direct. Dick gets the job done. Dick’s casual, but works especially well if it’s your boss’s name. “Morning Dick!” “What’s up, Dick!” “You seem a little harried, Dick!” “Your broker said you’re stock’s hangin’ at four and a half, Dick!”

Bitte and Verga lend an offshore, international insult. They’re both in the same offensive bracket as penis, but offer an eloquence that works well when some pompus jackoff demands to dance with your wife.

Pecker may be more bark than bite. It sounds mean with three hard consonants, but I just can’t see Clinton declaring war to Saddam with, “hey Pecker!”

Fuckstick has just enough hard consonants to tell a guy that you’re about to take a swing. “Step back, Fuckstick!” is many times followed by a quick tag to the forehead.

Cock is the second most mean-spirited and offensive phallic synonym. Cock is your bastard neighbor when you catch him kicking your dog. Cock comes to mind when your father says the meanest thing he can think of. A cock is a guy that gets a girl pregnant and hits the road.

Prick is reserved for business. Your screaming, bigoted boss is a prick. A client that blows a million-dollar contract is a prick. Five minutes of physical damage would never do justice to a prick. He must be corporately defaced, personally attacked and financially rammed. Information leak; lawsuit; computer generated photos of him having sex with farm animals. A prick must pay the price.